In Light of the Darkness

My last post was the summer of 2016. That’s when everything began to shift. In early August, I distinctly heard God’s nudging me to go back to work full-time.

A couple months later Paul and I individually sensed the Holy Spirit cautioning that something loomed ahead, but life was comfortable and good, making it simple to ignore the message. Neither of us shared the warning with the other, until life crashed down in February.

Paul, an associate pastor at a church, sat in a church classroom with the senior pastor and two board members. The latter were good friends who sat in silence, not making eye contact, while the senior pastor informed Paul to plan his exit strategy. He declared he could not move to the next level with him on staff.

Stunned, we failed to comprehend the sudden change in trajectory. Our church was not merely a ministry. It was our family, our home. The announcement to the church came in the form of a letter which affirmed Paul’s ministry and integrity and assured no breach of trust had taken place. Confusion. We received overwhelming support from the congregation. (More about that in a future post). Their love confirmed we were being torn from our spiritual family even though they still wanted us.

I had no desire to step foot in another church ministry position again. The three churches we had attended and ministered in during our twenty-one years of marriage had unhealthy patterns of narcissism and control issues. (More about that in a future post.)

It appeared God did not want us in vocational church ministry either. Doors didn’t close; they slammed. In very strange ways. The only open pathway was for Paul to move into a commission-based recruiter role. I strongly opposed. He insisted it was what God wanted. I chose to trust Paul’s wisdom and prayed. (Yes, more about that in a future post.)

I stopped writing. I had little time and no heart. As I pick up my pen again, it’s because we’re now exiting a long two-year darkness. Emotionally. Spiritually. Financially. Vocationally. Relationally. Every day Paul and I would pray and read scripture. Our goal was to do our best to honor God each day even though nothing made sense. We knew God was present, but he remained silent. We remained faithful, knowing when we were on the other side of our trial, we would be able to look back and see his hand. And we do.

Why am I writing this now? I need a starting place. This post is probably more for me than any reader. Cathartic. But, if someone is reading and feels lost, don’t give up. Be faithful and ask for enough strength for today. Be the best you for the next twenty-four hours, and then do it again. I love you. God loves you.

Comments (12)

  1. Gina Benz
    March 10, 2019 at 7:51 pm · Reply

    💛❤️

  2. Toby Adams
    March 10, 2019 at 8:05 pm · Reply

    Kelly, thanks for this post. Every part of a walk with Christ includes the dark (and darker) moments. We miss you and your family’s ministry and wisdom. We have moved to a different church and the pastor there often recites a certain verse that seems to have hit me with a 2×4 each time. It is Proverbs 16:9: “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”

    For as often as I try to go my route, the LORD changes my route, using detours, locked doors, etc. Our Father leads us not on the most direct route, but the one that forces us to trust in Him. I am glad He has found a different route for you and Paul and your family. Never forget to look back at His guidance through this dark time.

    God bless… Toby Adams

  3. Kathy Harris
    March 10, 2019 at 9:22 pm · Reply

    Dear Kelly,
    I love how you write with humor and heart and transparency. I always enjoy your musings on FB, but wonder how difficult life has been post OH, about which you have understandably been discreet. Perhaps like a child of a divorce, without understanding of why such a move was made, there has been no closure on this painful ‘departure’ for many of us at OH. Although I did not know you well, I always respected your thoughts on things and how authentic you were. Please know we still miss the Pankratz’s and know God will have His way in your complete healing of the wrongs and the hurt.

    • Kelly
      March 10, 2019 at 10:33 pm · Reply

      Paul and I have a deep love for you and Bill. Although we did not spend a lot of time together, what we had was meaningful.

  4. Sara
    March 10, 2019 at 10:05 pm · Reply

    I wish I had known you were going through this. Steve and I went through a similar scenario 5 years ago. But God is so faithful and ended up bringing us to a ministry that we love and fits us so well. I’m so glad you have the courage to share it. I didn’t.

    • Kelly
      March 10, 2019 at 10:32 pm · Reply

      I think many people go through similar situations. It’s sad.

  5. Connie
    March 10, 2019 at 11:34 pm · Reply

    I really missed your writings. I did enjoy your posts about your family and dog. I look forward to future posts. God continue to lead you forward.

  6. Andrea
    March 11, 2019 at 7:42 am · Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story, Kelly! ❤️

  7. Julie K. Gillies
    March 11, 2019 at 8:53 am · Reply

    My heart goes out to you and all you’ve both endured. I understand walking through dark and hard times. SO GLAD you are exiting and have again picked up your pen. <3 ((Hug))

    • Kelly
      March 11, 2019 at 9:50 pm · Reply

      It’s been too long since you and I have time together. I hope that changes soon.

  8. Julie Sexton
    March 13, 2019 at 7:53 am · Reply

    Courage
    Honesty
    Faith

    You

    • Kelly
      March 13, 2019 at 8:17 pm · Reply

      Thank you.

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